he wants to bone in the snuggie
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i think i have herpe
just one?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
whose parrot is this?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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