I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
