Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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