dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
