Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
