Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
