I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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