If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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