Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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