upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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