I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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