Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
