Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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