there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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