a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
