i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize