First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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