yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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