So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
