brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize