i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
