Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize