I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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