smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
