I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
