my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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