Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
