A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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