Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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