I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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