Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
