my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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