I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
