I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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