you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
