I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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