i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize