and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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