Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
