turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
