I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
