So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
