Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
