whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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