he thought i was a dude.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
