I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
