Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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