my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
