don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
