Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize