Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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