Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
