the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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