Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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