She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
