Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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