What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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