I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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