I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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