Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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