he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
