he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
