i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
