I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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