Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can't talk, ducks in the car
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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