I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
