it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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