He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
