He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
