This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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