and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My bed smells like the plague
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
