I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
