Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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