There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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