she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
