the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
