I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
